neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
