I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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