Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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