i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
