i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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