I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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