I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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