I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize