Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
