you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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