what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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