Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
