I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
