youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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