writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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