I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
