I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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