We won't sleep together?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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