Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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