I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
