you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
