Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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