I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
