i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All the doctor said was why
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
