Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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