and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
