i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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