it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
