Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
