I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
