I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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