Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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