I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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