i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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