You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize