is your mom at the bar?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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