It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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