just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
