True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
