U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
