Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
