I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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