i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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