I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
