sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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