Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
