I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
