I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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