I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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