Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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