I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
