Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
