He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
