i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
