I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
