We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
