just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
