I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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