I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
