Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize