If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
