hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize