When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
