I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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