hotel room ftw
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
