worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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