im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Less talking, more tequila
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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